The Highly Implausible Lincoln City Awards: 2011

In a star studded reception last night at the Pride of Lincoln pub, just off the bypass, Highly Implausible handed out its awards for the season past. Here are the awards and their winners:

Player of the Season:

Joint winners here. Picking up the trophy were Ashley Grimes and Delroy Facey. Why do they have to share it? Because one just didn’t work without the other. Like Chase without Status. After Delroy picked up his injury against Macclesfield, Ashley Grimes scored just one more goal for the Imps. A penalty against Stevenage.

Moron of the Season:

Yesterday, midway into the second half of the last game of the season. my brother phoned me. “Er, have Port Vale scored?”. “No.” “Oh because everyone’s saying they have.” “They haven’t.” Why? Because of whoever it was who started the rumour that Port Vale had scored. For bringing so much false hope to so many, have an award. You moron.

Best Month of the Season:

Thanks snow!

A tough call this one. I quite enjoyed January and February, the months of the season which we straddled like a colossus, winning games left, right and centre. “Tremble before us, mortals,” we said, “for we have won FIVE GAMES IN A ROW.” But really, my most enjoyable month as a Lincoln City fan this year was December. A month that, in the Lincoln City history books (do we have history books? Or would a pamphlet do?), simply doesn’t exist. Our record that month: Played 0, won 0, drawn 0, lost 0. Glorious. Thanks snow!

The “You’re not fit to wear the shirt” award:

Tempting to say “all of them”. But no, that would be unfair when there was one outstanding candidate. Step forward Ben Hutchinson. He once cost a million pounds, you know.

The “Absence does not make the heart grow fonder” award:

Sadly Chris Sutton could pick up his award in person. But we thank him for saddling us with Moses Swaibu, Ben Hutchinson and others on massive, massive contracts. Cheers mate. Don’t come back. Ever.

The “Absolute nadir of Lincoln City’s entire history” award for the worst game of all time:

It’s a crowded field, but anyone who was there will agree that Lincoln City 0-6 Rotherham United was something of a watershed moment. When it hit home that we probably were going to be relegated.

From the moment the team was read out (Scott Spencer up front, a liberal sprinkling of people we’d never heard of, a 19 year old debutant goalkeeper, solid players like Paul Green and Jamie Clapham left on the bench) to the moment Ryan Taylor made it six it was relentlessly awful. No fight, no drive, no coherence, no competence shown almost anywhere on the field. Rotherham were literally handed at least four of the goals on a plate.

If we play that badly again this century, it’ll be too soon.

The “Wow, we put up with a lot of crap don’t we? We should get an award” award:

The only bright spot this season has been the Lincoln fans. As Rotherham romped to victory in the above mentioned game, something odd happened. Fans in the Stacey West started doing the conga. Songs were sung. Flags were waved. At 6-0 down.

Sterling work has been done to improve what has too often been a stale atmosphere at Sincil Bank, even at the height of our Keith Alexander led success. And the noise and colour that emanates from one end of the ground is generally the high point of every game. At least someone cares.

Add to that that fact that our average attendance puts us 13th in the league, the 7,932 who showed up yesterday, the 700ish who travelled to Oxford and the amazing atmosphere they created… We’re a non-league club. But we don’t have non-league fans.

And finally, the last award of the evening. One which looks to the future.

The “What I’m looking forward to the most about the non-leagues” award:

Visiting Braintree Town. Here’s some pictures:

Sobering.

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